Every day, I go through life dealing with stares, jeers, and various states of human kind at its not so finest. Every day, I have strains of thought along the lines of "what on earth is this world coming to" I dont know, and Im not always entirely sure Im ready or willing to find out.
Im a singer first, foremost and always. I also have a mild yet still intense form of Cerebral Palsy. I can walk, I went to a normal school, I work, I go to the bar and dance. In my mind, Im perfectly normal, if imperfectly capable. To the naked eye, Im a try hard whos never going to get anywhere. Somehow, Im just forced to deal.
I feel like I was both blessed and cursed in the same instance. God(or whomever) decided that I should be disabled, but only be given a "mild". Then I was given the talent of melody. This is a double edged sword. How am I supposed to "break into the business" when it looks like everything I do causes me pain therefore causing those who make the decisions fear of giving me roles/parts/solos.
When you get into the business of stage, I believe you sign a contract with yourself. You expect that there are going to be injuries and complications. Thats just what happens.
I wonder when the people who get to take my life/career into thier hands with catch wind of this contract.
IM NOT GOING TO BREAK.
I wonder if there will come a time when people will realise that a person with limitations knows what those limitations are. If something is going to hurt me and I know it, I will tell you that. But mostly, I will try so damn hard that I make it hurt on my own account. Thats not your fault. I will not sue people.
The other thing I have to explain but not really.
I am an adam lambert fan, and I dont care what you think about it. I am not 12 and Im fully aware that he doesnt want my children and has no idea who I am. I am not crazy obsessed, hes not the only thing I think about.
This is however, one of the toughest times of my life. At 21 Ive just discovered that the only thing Ive ever wanted in life isnt going to come, and theres nothing I can do about it. CP doesnt just go away. Im stuck. C'est la vie. I never put more of myself into anything than I did into theatre, and now Im realising that all I have will never be enough. Because I will never not walk with a limp. I will never dance a proper time step. I will always shuffle my feet. And now that its all slowly but surely slipping through my fingers, Im wondering what there is left to be fighting for. Not much thats for sure.
Ive lost my faith in myself, so I put my faith in adam, simple as 1,2,3. I see myself in Adam. We're both theatre kids, we're both unafraid to be ourselves, and we both face unfair and unjust discrimination for things we have no control over. If I hadnt found adam I dont know where Id be. Ive said it before and Ill say it again til the day I die. He is my light and my guiding star. Right now, hes all Ive got. I dont care if thats selfish or stupid or weird of me. I love Adam Lambert for his humility and graciousness, and his performance prowess. He is everything Id hope to become but wont. So Ill cheer from the sidelines.
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