Ghosting

I remember the inflections of your tone and the slight lilt to your accent. I cant quite place where that lilt sits buts its there. Stuck somewhere between Texas and Chicago, unfortunately my US geography isnt good enough to pinpoint the exact elevation on a map. If you asked, I could probably repeat every conversation we ever had, like a dictaphone. You wont ask. Sometimes I question whether or not you remember I exist. Sometimes I find myself questioning this myself? Do I actually exist? Based on peoples reactions to me, I find it hard to believe sometimes. My phone doesnt ring anymore, no blinky light signals a text message I missed while going about my day, my emails are all spam. Six months ago, this was never the case. But then, six months ago people cared. I stare at the computer screen flipping through online photo albums. There are countless pictures of you and our other mutual friends, but not a single one of us. I feel like Ive just popped an artery and my heart has disentangled itself from my body. A raked sob escapes my chapped lips as I realise that I mean so much less to you than you do to me. Maybe that should be past tense. Meant so much less? No, that hurts more. Somewhere deep inside me, I have to think that a part of you still loves me as much as I love you.

I force myself to click the little red x on the top right of the window, your face disappearing. You had always forbade me to post pictures of us. At the time, I truly believed you had self esteem issues and didnt want people to see you. Now I toy with the idea that maybe you were ashamed to been seen with me.

I open another window and go to my email inbox. Clicking the foreboding "Compose Message" link, I work up the courage to type your address in the "To" feild.

the email begins with Hey girl...

I tap my fingers thoughtfully over the keyboard, my fingers automatically ghosting the backspace whenever things get a little too personal, a little too much like they used to be. It dawns on me that I dont know you anymore. Im writing to a complete stranger. Nonetheless, my email ends with

Love,
Bella

just as it always has. Hopefully one day I can drum up the courage to press send.